Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
