Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
