We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
