your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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