Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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