I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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