I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
