my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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