It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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