Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Randomize
