You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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