Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
