The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.