I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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