Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
