ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
