I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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