Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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