You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
