we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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