I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my being single is dangerous.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
