My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
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I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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