then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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