Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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