party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
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...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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