In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
