I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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