can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
