Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
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Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
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I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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