We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
