We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
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He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
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I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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