just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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