Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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