4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
