I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
