so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
