Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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