You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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