separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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