so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
