You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
