Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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