She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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