I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
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How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
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I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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