I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
