she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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