First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
