i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
being pregnant is like rehab
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
