Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
