You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I smell like Dick and happiness
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
