threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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