you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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