It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
