I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
