Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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